One of my friends seems to have been on a Christmas countdown since June. For months now I’ve ignored her facebook posts about how many shopping day there were left because, well, because it was the summer and much too far off to think about.
But I can’t ignore it much longer.

All across the world children are writing their lists and getting excited about the big day. Because every child loves Santa, right?
Well, maybe not.

Sadly, some fostered and adopted children find that the experience of Christmas is not an easy one for many reasons. One of those reasons may be down to the big man in the red suit.

So, let’s take a look at 5 reasons why Santa might be scary for traumatised children.

Reason 1: He Knows When You’ve Been Naughty.

I was neither a fostered nor an adopted child but I remember being worried about this one! My birthday is at the end of July so from the beginning of August I seemed to be regularly reminded that Santa was making his list. I hated that list. It wasn’t just about ‘being good’ but about being ‘good-enough’ to avoid being one of the naughty children. I always felt that the criteria for getting on the good list was unclear and unfair. 

The problem for a lot of fostered or adopted children is that they already think they are not good enough and that is with all the stuff their parents know about – imagine how much worse they feel about someone who can magically know everything they’ve done!

My children never believed they would get any presents and they certainly couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. It was better for them to know for sure that they weren’t going to be on the ‘good list’ than to hope and be disappointed on Christmas Day. This way of thinking inevitably made December a nightmare!

How to work with this therapeutically:
Think about how you describe behaviour generally. Is your child naughty or are they struggling with difficult emotions and displaying this through their behaviour?
Could you write a letter to Santa with your child or on their behalf? It could explain how difficult things are for them and list the things they are doing well at despite this.
Maybe Santa could respond?

Reason 2: He Wasn’t Very Nice In The Past.

No matter how much information comes to us with our children we can never truly know what their experiences were before they walked through our front door. Christmas is a significant time of the year for most children but it may have more of a significance for your child. And it’s meaning may not be a positive one.

The Christmas you wish to give your child may be very different to the Christmas they’ve had before. Santa may hold difficult memories for your child. I know one child who didn’t get a visit by Santa one year because he was ‘so naughty’, another child who woke in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to find himself alone in the house (parents were at a pub lock-in) and many children who experienced the presents Santa gave them being taken away from them, broken as a punishment, given to the favoured sibling or sold.

How to work with this therapeutically:

I advise trying to know your child’s story from them not just their case files.  Even non-verbal children can give us clues to their experiences if we pay attention to the ways they are able to communicate.
Offer empathy to your child for any difficult experiences they may have had. Try not to be judgemental of what happened in their birth families or previous foster families. Instead focus on listening to them and then being clear on what kind of Christmas they will experience with you.

Be clear what Santa’s role is in your family. We told our boys that Santa bought little presents for their stockings and we bought their main gifts so there was no chance of him getting confused – or punishing them as they expected all adults to do.

Reason 3: He Comes Into Your Room After Dark.

In no other situation would we tell a child that when they are asleep a strange man will creep into the bedroom and then not expect them to be worried about this. If you have a child who has experienced abuse this thought could be utterly terrifying. It may also make them very distrusting of you as they could easily come to view that you are unable to keep them safe.

How to work with this therapeutically:
This was a part of the Christmas tradition that we decided to part with. As lovely and magical as it was my kids were never going to feel safe enough for us to do it. Initially we had Santa leave presents in the car (we don’t have a garage) for us to bring them in the next morning* but in later years, when they were more secure with us, we were able to develop a different tradition.

We had a magic key. On Christmas Eve the boys would leave the magic key outside for Santa to use. They had a letter from him explaining that he was going to come in, eat the mince pies, get the carrots for Rudolf and Jamie (another one of the reindeer according to my son) and leave their presents in the lounge. He would not go upstairs because he recognised that their bedrooms were their ‘safe spaces’.

This arrangement allowed for some of the magic but also the safety. The boys knew that only Santa could use the magic key and only on that night. Our most anxious child took responsibility for putting the key away each year.

* Little reality check on this one! This meant getting up at 4.30am to be sure none of them were awake and putting them into the car because we really didn’t want to leave them in there overnight. Given that the boys had been so excited they didn’t go to sleep until 1am this also meant two exhausted Mum’s trying not to snap at them on the big day!

Reason 4: He Has Secrets.

We see Santa as magical and trustworthy. Traumatised children may see him as unpredictable and scary. Such children have a need for answers. To help them feel safe they need to feel that people can be known, but there is so much around Santa that makes him unknowable.
If your child has lots of ‘how does he do that….’ type questions they may not be in awe of him (like other children might), they might be genuinely trying to work him out to decide if he is trustworthy.

How to work with this therapeutically:
Use the language of ‘surprises’ rather than ‘secrets’. In our family we have a rule to never, ever keep secrets. However we can decide not to tell someone something but only if it is to give them a nice surprise. We used to say that the boys needed to always have one adult involved in their surprise to help them make good choices. We don’t really need to follow that one now they are older.
If they have questions try to answer them. Just think about being as clear as possible with your answers.

Reason 5: He Gives You Gifts.

In so many of the cases of child abuse that I have worked with, gifts have been given to the child. Those gifts then become part of the abuse itself. When the child receives a well-meaning gift they can worry about what they might have to do or what may be done to them in the future.

Another issue is the different types of gifts Santa may bring to your house in comparison to previous homes they have lived in. In this regard, Santa may feel very unfair.

How to work with this therapeutically:
Know your child’s history. If gift giving is an issue consider giving a couple of small gifts in the run up to Christmas so they can see that there are no expectations attached to them.

Get them involved in buying and wrapping presents for other people. Not only will you be able to talk naturally about what gift-giving means in your family but also you can encourage them to see that Christmas is not all about getting presents…… or at least you can try!

As much as you may wish Santa to bring big presents I would suggest having a word with him and asking him to bring similar gifts to the ones he gave the child in their birth family. We knew that our boys birth parents were in a different financial position to us. We did what we could to try to prevent this being a factor in their relationships with them.

Final Thought……
There was a point at which I realised that although I wanted my children to have a ‘normal’ life this was not going to be possible. They had had experiences that their peers had not and those experiences were going to take a really long time to work through. Those experiences impacted every area of their lives and meant that we had to live our lives with them differently to how we might want to.

There is that one piece of information about Santa that every adult knows. If Santa is really scary for your child you may wish to consider letting them know what adults know about him. Yes, it may take away some of the magic and wonder but those are things that are often out of the reach of children who still are processing their trauma.

Your child feeling safe in your home is the primary goal of fostering and adopting. The secondary goal is your child feeling lovable. We must make sure that we don’t allow even the magic of Christmas to effect our commitment to those goals.

Any thoughts?  If so, pop them in the comments below.